Archive for the ‘Gifts’ Category
Nov
08
Posted by dodo
Even if you do take your own booze, you don’t want to appear a soak in front of your in-laws. ‘One year,’ said a friend, ‘we took up a crate of claret to my in-laws in Lancashire and, having polished it off, were asked to bury all the bottles in the garden, as my mother-in-law was so embarrassed by what the dustmen might think.’
On this subject I have never forgotten a hideously shameful occasion when my children were very young and my in-laws were staying. Having announced, sanctimoniously, and untruthfully, that I never drink at home at lunchtime, I then laced my orange juice with going to get me through the ordeal of grandparents’ and children’s lunch. My daughter, then aged two and a half, seized my glass, and, ‘thinking it was straight orange juice, took a great swig. She swiftly spat it out all over her grandmother and declared that she’d been poisoned, whereupon Granny took a tiny sip, and recognised gin. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
27
Posted by dodo
When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus she went and sang the Magna Carta.
Schoolboy Common Entrance essay Christmas approaches. Realising that the children will soon be breaking up, Scarlett O’Aga steps up her panicking. Buckling under Christmas shopping, she staggers past boutiques pounding out sexy pop music, and wishes that she had a salary to blue on party glitter and was at an office party being propositioned. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
18
Posted by dodo
My heart leaps up when I behold a reindeer in the sky.
Now the children have broken up, it’s time for a trip to Santa’s Grotto. In Stroud this year, it only cost Sop for a visit and a present, and you could have your photo taken with Santa as well.
Playing Father Christmas these days is a pretty taxing job. In department stores, Santas must never ask a child how Mummy and Daddy are, because so many parents are divorced, and long explanations hold up the queue. Instead he must ask, ‘How are the folks?’ Nor must he say ‘Yo Ho Ho’ Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
18
Posted by dodo
The fall-out in Christmas decorations is also appalling. Every year, since my children grew beyond the smash-and- grab stage, my husband, who has some sort of death wish for the decorations, has introduced a new kitten, who does the job far more thoroughly. The minute you hang the first silver bauble on the tree marks the opening of the volley-ball season, and by evening everything is being batted all over the floor and smashed to bits. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
18
Posted by dodo
Man is born free but is everywhere in paper chains.
In a pathetic attempt to be more creative last year I got a book on Christmas decorations out of the library. I could have Christmas at my fingertips, the author advised me brightly, by learning how to make a simple evergreen corsage, how to decorate an outdoor tree, how to make my own candles, and, worst of all, how to give a gala air to breakfast on Christmas morning. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
10
Posted by dodo
Hours later at tea-time they reach Granny.
`Here you are at last,’ she cries in fluting reproach, rushing out in her medium-heeled court shoes and wool dress, embracing gingerly as she inhales a waft of dried sick, trying not to wince, as older children tread mud all over the carpet. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
10
Posted by dodo
Christmas Eve — and the excitement starts to bite. Little Nicholas and Carol, already in a frenzy of excitement, are opening the penultimate door of their Advent calendars. The wireless is playing a jazzed-up version of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’. For Scarlett, there’s not much rest ahead, but she hopes everyone will be merry.
Granny and Grandpapa arrived yesterday. Having been woken twice in the night, firstly by the departed neighbours’ burglar alarm, and secondly by the lodger coming in tight at three o’clock in the morning, they are downstairs by 8.30 a.m., shivering, their breath rising like incense. Scarlett can’t light a fire because the log man still hasn’t arrived. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
10
Posted by dodo
The hostess scurrying around at Christmas seldom feels the cold, but her guests will, particularly if they’re old, and most of all if they’re newly widowed or separated. It is essential to heat up the drawing-room, and have electric blankets or at least hot-water bottles and an electric kettle in the spare rooms. If you’re the sort of hostess who can deputise, and is not distracted by chatter, heat up the kitchen so that people will gravitate there for warmth and you can get them grating onions or peeling sprouts. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
07
Posted by dodo
Lovers open their presents together before Christmas; the neglected open theirs when they arrive in the New Year. The Germans open theirs around six o’clock on Christmas Eve. The Royal Family, being largely of German ancestry and because they spend most of Christmas Day going to church, also open theirs on Christmas Eve. An eighty-foot-long trestle table in the Red Drawing-room is used to pile up the presents which are handed out by Prince Philip. Read the rest of this entry »
Oct
07
Posted by dodo
And is it true? And is it true,
This most tremendous tale of all, Seen in a stained-glass window’s hue, A baby in an ox’s stall?
The Maker of the stars and sea Become a Child of earth for me?
One of the eternal debates for the noble army of churchgoers on Christmas Eve is whether to go to midnight mass, early service or matins on Christmas morning. However tired I am, I prefer the former, for the shaming reason that it gets church over with, and because, even more shamingly, if I opt for early service or matins the next day I never make it, and spend the rest of Christmas feeling guilty and somehow as though spiritually I’d gone to bed without cleaning my teeth and taking my make-up off. Read the rest of this entry »
