Christmas Holidays Kids keep changing Sheets and making up Beds as their friends drift in and out, Teenage Parties

Posted by dodo

After Boxing Day it’s all juggling. Robin’s godmother is coming for tea, Noel’s sister and her lover are coming to lunch, along with a mother who’s driving a hundred miles to bring her teenage daughter to stay with Holly for the pony club dance that night. Five other teenagers have to be met at Stroud at 2.40 p.m. A jolly local granny has been asked to supper to amuse Scarlett’s mother, because Noel and Scarlett have to take Holly and Robin to the dance, but suddenly rings up to say that she can’t make it because she’s got to help behind the scenes and sheepdog the grandchildren at her own daughter’s drinks party this evening. Noel had agreed to take Robin to Northampton to stay with a schoolfriend tomorrow - anything to get away from his mother-in-law who’s decided to stay on for a few more days — but rats at the last moment because he’s been asked shooting. Noel’s mother-in-law is frightfully upset; she can’t understand how Noel can be so snappy with her all the time, and so charming to his friends when they ring up.

The one salvation at this stage is to ask a really nice gay man to stay, who has no frightful children to fight with yours, who can take over cooking supper if need be or afford to take you out dinner, who always brings wonderful presents, who is a fund of anecdotes, and who gets on terribly well with Granny because she reminds him of his own mother.

If you have teenage children, you will spend the entire Christmas holidays changing sheets and making up beds as their friends drift in and out. Don’t bother too much about clean sheets between teenagers. If they’re going to a party, they seldom spend more than a couple of hours in bed anyway.

Get in a good supply of Erace — invariably someone has spots after all the Christmas chocolate — and several spare black ties, or even dress shirts — teenage boys invariably forget to bring them. My son always takes two to dances, in case one gets ripped off.

You will also have the thrill of thinking how distinguished your children look in their first dinner jackets, because both sexes wear them to parties these days, the only difference being that the girls roll back the sleeves.

Drive them to the dance — if it’s private you will easily find the place because of the great disco roar issuing out of some house inappropriately called The Old Rectory. Don’t stay. Teenagers are put in one room, wrinklies in another, and embarrass the hell out of their children by peering through the crack of the door to see how they are getting on, and occasionally rushing in, grabbing a teenager, thrusting her at their daughter and screaming, ‘She knows Molly Piggott, darling,’ or ‘Juliet goes to Westonbirt, don’t you play them at lacrosse?’

Equally, if you take your children to a dance in a public place, don’t stay either. It will upset you if your children don’t get off with anyone, but even more if they do. At the last teenage dance I went to, my daughter disappeared into a ballroom darker than Great Agrippa’s inkwell for so long that my husband went to find her. He came back, white with rage, holding by the scruff of the neck my daughter, who was snarling and snapping like a Jack Russell that she Absolutely Hated Daddy.

`What was she doing?’ I asked in alarm.

`She was sitting on two boys’ knees,’ came the reply.

Later, looking for my son, I found him sharing a half bottle of vodka, and a Havana cigar with one of his school-friends; and finally, groping round under the table for my bag, I found that the only two boys in our party who’d been behaving remotely well were holding hands with one another.

Children’s Parties

Only masochists have little children’s parties at Christmas. Once a year on their birthday is more than enough for any child. In fact, sensible parents should take extra strong precautions in late March and early April, or even refrain from sexual intercourse altogether, so as not to produce a little Capricorn baby, who will require a specially big birthday party over the festive season to make up for not getting many presents because his birthday is so near Christmas.

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