Where are you going to spend Christmas this year? continued

Posted by dodo

Even if you do take your own booze, you don’t want to appear a soak in front of your in-laws. ‘One year,’ said a friend, ‘we took up a crate of claret to my in-laws in Lancashire and, having polished it off, were asked to bury all the bottles in the garden, as my mother-in-law was so embarrassed by what the dustmen might think.’

On this subject I have never forgotten a hideously shameful occasion when my children were very young and my in-laws were staying. Having announced, sanctimoniously, and untruthfully, that I never drink at home at lunchtime, I then laced my orange juice with going to get me through the ordeal of grandparents’ and children’s lunch. My daughter, then aged two and a half, seized my glass, and, ‘thinking it was straight orange juice, took a great swig. She swiftly spat it out all over her grandmother and declared that she’d been poisoned, whereupon Granny took a tiny sip, and recognised gin.

Some parents love and enjoy their grandchildren, and it seems sad that others only meet theirs at Christmas when everyone is at their most overwrought. One devoted grandmother said to me this year, ‘We had Christmas for the first time in thirty-five years without children or grandchildren; absolute heaven, out to parties every day - result total exhaustion.’

Another equally devoted daughter-in-law told me: ‘This year was the best Christmas I’ve had for sixteen years, because I finally plucked up courage to tell my extended family of in- laws and step-parents to get knotted, and that they couldn’t all bum a free holiday off us. I hardened my heart, and in the process lightened it considerably.’

If you feel compelled to invite both your parents and your parents-in-law to spend Christmas with you, do consider asking them on alternate years or at least staggering the visits. This is because there is invariably rivalry between the two sides, caused by a very natural desire to be the most popular grandparents.

If there are two widowed grandmothers staying at the same time, the problem becomes even more acute and there’s bound to be granny-mosity. There are also likely to be battles over who is the most helpful granny. A friend, faced with the unedifying sight of two grey-haired old ladies in dressing-gowns battling over the kettle early on Christmas morning, slipped a Valium in both their cups of coffee and had a very peaceful day.

If you’re determined to stay with people other than relations at Christmas, do make a recce first. Their place may be ravishing in summer, sitting on the terrace, drinking Pimms with all the roses out, but winter can be a very different proposition.

A friend described Christmas in Yorkshire, ‘where thermonuclear underwear was de rigueur to keep rigor mortis from setting in. As soon as dinner was announced, there would be an uncontrolled scramble upstairs by the in-house guests, ostensibly to wash their hands. Only when the lights on the Christmas tree dimmed to half their normal brightness did it click with our host that throughout the house every electric blanket was being turned on to Regulo Nine. The decanter of whisky in all the guest rooms (or gust rooms) was not just a sop for the sots; it was as essential as Kendal mint cake and a day-glo anorak is to a Lakeland climber, simply to propel oneself from the bedroom to the bathroom.’

Patrick Lichfield told me that when he was a child the butler always served Christmas dinner in an overcoat, and used to gauge the temperature by the icicle hanging from the chandelier. I’m sure that the upper classes have such a reputation for bed-hopping because vigorous sex was the only way you could keep warm in large country houses.

Finally, when it comes to the decision of where you’re going to spend Christmas, let your head rule your heart. If you’re weak-willed, from September onwards stick a large sign up by every telephone in the house which reads: ‘WHAT A MARVEL‑LOUS IDEA, BUT CAN I RING YOU BACK WHEN I’VE TALKED TO MYFAMILY/HUSBAND/MY LOVER/MY CAT?’ and read that out to everyone who rings up about Christmas arrangements.

And curb the spirit of altruism. Before inviting another family to stay, spare a thought for your own poor children who may not enjoy having to entertain younger children or being patronised by older ones. The great mistake is to suddenly feel guilty and, after three vodka and tonics have given you the illusion that you have the patience of Job coupled with the strength of Hercules, ring and invite you, entire extended family plus in-laws for a week. Keep invitations short: two or three days are quite long enough. Invite or accept in the cold light of sobriety in front of your partner, then you cannot be accused of pulling a fast one later.

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